The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
