who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
