After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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