I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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