insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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