you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Boobs speak an international language.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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