my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
