why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
