Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
