now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
