No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
