Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
