There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
