just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize