I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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