I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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