So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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