The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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