My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Randomize
