Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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