I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
