apparently the secret to your success is patron
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
