i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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