I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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