omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize