He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
