Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize