I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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