Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
