This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
