I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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