Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
