Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
