I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I don't deserve a penis
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
