I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
