My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
