All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
