You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
