My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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