The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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