Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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