I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
