Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
