I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My life is pants optional.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
