This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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