I wish I could punch you in the face.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
