Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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