You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
