I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Randomize
