hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
