I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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