I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
