ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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