More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
