plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
