upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
