My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
worst night to have a conscience
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
