I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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