they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Randomize
