Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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